Sirius' Bane
by Oddsbodokins
Summary: Gollum is accidentally transported to Grimmauld Place along with the One Ring. Will Sirius be able to survive two demented creatures that talk to themselves, or will he crack? This may be more traumatic than Azkaban!Please Review, this is my first fan fic


Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter, so please don't get your panties in a wad about it. The paragraph in italics comes directly from _The Return of the King_ by J. R. R. Tolkien, page 925.

"_Precious, precious, precious!" Gollum cried. "My Precious! Oh my Precious!" And with that, even as his eyes were lifted up to gloat his prize, he stepped too far, toppled, wavered for a moment on the brink, and then with a shriek he fell. Out of the depths came his last wail "Precious," and he was gone. _

Gollum was gone, but he wasn't dead. As he was falling he slipped the One Ring (TO RULE THEM ALL!) onto his finger. He wanted to die with the Ring on his finger, to feel the cool metal on his finger so that he would know he had succeeded in his task.

Then he disappeared. The world turned dark, and for a while he was lost. The smothering heat from Mount Doom dissipated, replaced by a strange coldness. He felt a strange tugging near his stomach then he was being jerked forward.

He landed with a slight thud onto a grimy floor. He immediately leaped up, but no one was around. Wherever he was it was dark and dirty. Gollum took a liking to it immediately. The Hobbits, those filthy little Halflings, were no where in sight. He sniggered and did a funny little jig.

Then he heard footsteps. His first impulse was to find a hiding place, but then he remembered he was still wearing the One Ring (to…err… Rule them all?) So he didn't move. A man emerged from a door at the end of the hall. He was almost frightening looking. He had long black hair, piercing blue eyes, and he was scowling deeply. He was tall, from Gollum's perspective, and obviously a man. All around him radiated a strange sort of power. He reminded Gollum of the fearsome Ranger, Strider. This made Gollum scowl, and he was tempted to attack the man. He waited, however, hesitant about revealing his presence so soon.

The man was walking right towards him. He hand something grasped in his fist. It looked like a short stick composed of wood. Before Gollum could move out of the way the man bumped into him. Gollum lost his balance and fell against something soft that was hanging on the wall. The man gasped quite loudly, obviously shocked to find there was nothing there that he could have collided with.

Suddenly a piercing scream cut into the silence. The curtains Gollum had fallen unto opened, revealing a horrific looking woman dressed in black. It was a life sized portrait, incredibly realistic. Of course, Gollum was immediately drawn to the woman.

"Filth! Scum! Blood traitors! How dare you enter the Noble House of Black! Freaks, mudbloods, curse you and all of your kin! Half breeds, loathsome scum of the Earth! Oh, damn it, I think I skipped something… what comes after the part about them being the scum of the Earth? OH, who are you?" She was now looking where Gollum was standing. Sirius, who was too preoccupied trying to close the curtains, didn't immediately realize Mrs. Black had stopped screaming. He gaped at the portrait. This was the first time she had ever stopped screaming of her own free will. His eyes trailed her gaze, but it seemed she was staring at nothing. _Yep, she's finally lost it_, Sirius thought.

Gollum didn't answer the strange lady. Instead he turned and ran, actually scurried is more accurate, away as fast as he could. He softly crawled up the stairs. When he reached the second floor he was suddenly at a loss as to where to go. Something else bumped into him, and he growled.

"Oh, I am so sorry master, please forgive Kreacher…" Kreacher began, looking down in an attempt to look humble. He cut himself off after he realized no one was there. "Who is there? Kreacher knows you are hiding_. Probably that filthy half breed sneaking around stealing mistress' things. Foul creature, scum of the Earth._"Gollum was watching as the creature began mumbling to itself. Gollum decided, then, to reveal himself to the strange little creature. It was ugly, and only wore a small cloth around its waste. It had a long nose and large ears. It seemed familiar then Gollum remembered seeing the heads of similar creatures hanging on the wall downstairs. 'That's fucked up,' he thought.'What does that mean?' he wondered, then shook his head. He really needed someone to hit him over the head.

He took off the One Ring (that probably won't be ruling anything anytime soon). Kreacher yelped and fell backwards. Gollum snickered evilly, but made no move to help the miserable creature.

"Who is you? Master does not have any other house elves staying here. Kreacher is the house elf for the Noble House of Black!" Kreacher yelled. Gollum cowered away from him. He had no idea what the deranged wizened creature was referring to, and he really didn't want to know. He realized, however, that somehow he had encountered a creature more demented and deranged than he.

"Who is 'Master'?" Gollum asked, still cowering in an undignified manner.

"Master is Sirius Black, the last of the line of Blacks. You did not answer Kreacher's question. Tell Kreacher your name, and why you are here!"

"Leave us alone, please! We don't know where we are, we is confused!" Gollum was now groveling. He was very frightened. "Don't be scared, Sméagol. He can not hurt us. He's just an ugly, stupid shrunken goblin!" Kreacher is really scared now.

"Who are you talking to?" He feared that it had lost its mind. It was talking to someone that wasn't there, someone named Sméagol. This certainly wasn't normal behavior. Gollum suddenly looked up, fury flashing in his eyes.

"Shut up you nasty little goblin!" Kreacher took a step backwards. He was crazy, but no one's _that_ crazy. A second later he was smiling. "Why does it not like us?" Sméagol questioned.

"You are mad! Kreacher is going to tell Master about you, and you will have to answer to him about who you are!" Kreacher grabbed Sméagol's thin arm and began to drag him towards the stairs. He was thrashing wildly now, fighting with all his strength.

"We'll do anything you ask, anything! Don't tell on poor Sméagol, please! Sméagol doesn't like your nasty Master! _Gollum, Gollum_."

"What is the matter with it, does it have something caught in its throat? Perhaps it would like some water." This earned him a glare from Gollum.

"Filthy little goblin!" he cried, and grabbed Kreacher's throat with his left hand. Kreacher clawed at the hand with the one that wasn't holding Gollum's arm.

"Kreacher isn't even a goblin, it is so stupid! Stupid, ugly little elf! You are a disgrace to all house elves!" He then spat in Gollum's face, which REALLY pissed off Gollum. Well, he was pissed off before, but he was even more so now. Actually, never mind, Gollum's pissed off all the time.

Kreacher made the mistake of letting his grip of Gollum's arm loosen up, because Gollum suddenly lurched and tackled him to the floor. They were biting and scratching when Sirius came upstairs to investigate the strange noises.

"What's going on up here? Kreacher, stop that!" Sirius pulled the two creatures apart. Kreacher had been gnawing on Gollum's foot. He spat, disgusted. His foot didn't taste very good at all! They landed apart from each other, gasping and nursing their wounds. Kreacher had received a bite in a very embarrassing place. His nose? He's very sensitive about his large nose!

"Who are you?" Sirius yelled at Gollum, who immediately regressed to Sméagol mode. Sirius was in a really bad mood. He was worried about Harry, and being back in his old house didn't help any. Kreacher was the current bane of his existence, using every opportunity available to remind him that he was a blood traitor and scum. SO, when a house elf like creature suddenly appeared in his house, he was naturally irritated. Just what he needed, another psycho midget!

He had his wand pointed at Gollum's head now, and Gollum instinctively drew away from it.

"Please, sir, don't hurt poor Sméagol! We is lost, and this filthy little goblin wouldn't help us! It's not our fault he's nasty!" Gollum, or Sméagol, was groveling once more. Damn, he's pathetic. Sirius kicks him away, disgusted by its melodramatic pleading.

"I think I'll just feed you to Buckbeak. How does that sound?"

"No, please, we'll do anything you asks! We swears to do whats you wants us to!" Kreacher decided he wanted to put his two cents in. Actually, make that one cent. The poor thing doesn't have two brain cells to rub together, after all.

"Master can't trust him. He's a nasty little lair! He attacked Kreacher, and Kreacher was only trying to help him!"

"You liar!" Gollum lunged at Kreacher again, but was restrained by Sirius. They were both spatting curses at each other. Sirius was showered in saliva. He grimaced and wiped off his face.

"Silencio!" Sirius shouted, pointing his wand at the bickering creatures. They glared at him, angry at the fact that they could no longer curse each other. Sirius backed away, suddenly frightened. They both lunged at him, Gollum sinking his teeth into his neck and Kreacher grabbing his knees, forcing him to fall. When Sirius starting launching hexes and curses at them Gollum freaked out. He quickly slipped on the One Ring (TO...Oh, fuck that shit). Sirius didn't notice because he was too busy running away from his winged bogies. Kreacher had gotten a hold of his wand.

Kreacher, however, saw him disappear. He silently followed him, trying not to give away that he knew where Gollum was. He could hear him breathing, for crying out loud. Stealth wasn't his bag, baby.

Kreacher trailed him around for a while then Gollum entered a random bedroom. Once the door was shut Gollum realized Kreacher had been following him. He removed the One Ring (To…ahh! I forgot my line! What do I say?), and Kreacher immediately pounced on him, trying to get at the One Ring (TO…err…Clean the house?) He tackled Gollum to the ground. His hand was in his face, painfully squashing his long nose.

"Gib Kreacha da Wing!" He shouted.

"What is that? We can't understand you!" Gollum moved his hand and attempted to escape.

"Wait! Kreacher has an idea!" Gollum hesitated, suddenly curious.

"Yes?"

"You don't like Kreacher's Master, yes?" Gollum nodded.

"Well, Kreacher hates him too. We can work together, and make his life worse than the life of the lowliest House Elf!" Kreacher shouted, getting very excited.

"House Elf? What is this it talks about Precious?" Kreacher slapped Gollum. "Why does it hurt us?"

"Kreacher can do what he wants! Now, listen, and stop being weird! Would you like to see Master suffer?" Another nod from Gollum, this time it is a little more enthusiastic.

"What does you wants us to do?" Gollum asked tentatively. He didn't want to upset the insane goblin again.

"First, let Kreacher see your ring!"

"The r in Ring in capitalized, you dipshit."

"Eh, whatever. Let Kreacher see it!" Gollum hesitated a moment, then placed the Ring in Kreacher's hand. "Ohh!" Kreacher slipped on the Ring. He quickly took it off again. Soon he was taking it on and off very quickly, yelling "Ring goes on, Ring goes off!" the entire time. Gollum slapped Kreacher.

"Get a hold of yourself, man!"

"Hey, Kreacher is no 'man'."

"Hey, whatever dude, I don't swing that way."

"What?!" Kreacher yelled, wondering what 'dude' meant. For the first time in his whole miserable existence he couldn't think of an insult to throw back. He just stood there gaping. Finally he closed his mouth with a snap, and glared at Gollum.

"Filthy little monster, it has no right to insult the House Elf of the most Noble House of Black!" He threw the One Ring (that is seriously pissed off at this point) at him.

"Yeah, whatever, la de freaking da." Kreacher growled and lunged at Gollum, who fled the room only to run into Sirius right outside the door. Gollum gasped and took off down the hall. Kreacher emerged a second later, running into Sirius also. Sirius fell down, but Kreacher ignored this and continued to run after Gollum. _This is going to be a long summer_, Sirius thought, and sighed.


End file.
